Hiraeth

I’m craving to go home…. But I’m already sat in where I call home…. I guess I’m craving a home that doesn’t exist… or that I haven’t found yet…

Whilst I’m typing this, my parents and brother are having yet again another screaming match. Deciding that 2 today wasn’t enough, they went for round 3. So yet again I’m in my room, trying to control tears and stop another panic attack coming, having my headphones in – but not too loud in case they call me and I can’t hear, and attempting to calm down. I thought maybe this would help.

I think they fight this much because they’re all too similar. That’s the thing, some days they get on like a house on fire, other days not so much.

You see they all have common interests, they all like similar music, watch similar TV shows, can talk for hours about anything. I guess that’s where I’m different.

I don’t watch the same TV shows as them and I’d much rather prefer to listen to Twenty One Pilots rather than what they listen to but they don’t get that. They don’t get why.

I’ve tried. I’ve tried showing mum some of the songs I listen too… but she just asked why I was listening to songs that were so depressing.

I’ve always called this house home. But I've also always been searching for a place I can truly call home. A place where I don’t have to try and fit in. a place where I can just be myself. The person I am when I’m alone. Where I don’t have to cover up the tears, I don’t have to hide when I breakdown. Where people aren’t ashamed of me or disappointed in me.

I have no idea if this place actually exists, or if it only exists in fairy tales. But I can still dream right?

They say fiction is the worst kind of drug. It can make you laugh, cry, smile, forget everything but once it’s over, everything comes crashing down and that wall you built around yourself blocking out all the bad just crumbles away and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Maybe one day I’ll find home. But for now I’m just craving the idea of it. Craving the secure feeling that it might bring.

Sorry that this was such a sad post but I’ve always called this like my diary so I suppose some posts are going to be like this.

Anyway see you soon xxx

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